Mayoral Longshot
WATERTOWN — Flat Earth Donnie Throws His Hat (and Map) Into the Ring
Watertown politics has seen its fair share of colorful candidates, but nothing quite like this: Donnie, the self-proclaimed flat Earth believer, is officially running for mayor. That’s right — the man who thinks satellites are “CGI cartoons” now wants to run the city where Fort Drum, fiber optics, and basic high-school science all exist in real time.
Donnie’s campaign kicked off the way you’d expect — by insulting the very voters he’s trying to win over. He recently called people “retards” for even daring to discuss the possibility that 3I Atlas might not be just another space rock. Nobody said it was aliens; people just said it’s worth a look. Critical thinking, Donnie — it’s not just for round-Earth folks.
It’s a bold move: misread an article, misquote the people, and then call them names. Because nothing says “I’m mayor material” like telling the public they’re too stupid to ride along on your pancake-shaped planet.
Here’s the kicker — Donnie voted for Trump. So did I. The difference? Trump doesn’t believe the Earth is flatter than a Watertown pothole in March. Which, if Donnie’s logic holds, means Trump must be a “retard” too. Smooth move, campaign captain.
The Watertown Post stands firmly in support of the Golden Age. But let’s be honest — some of the Trump voters out there are dumber than a box of rocks, and Donnie just volunteered to be their mascot.
Still, in politics, all press is good press. So good luck, Donnie. You’re gonna need it.
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